A recovering competitive-holic
Update: You can watch our Dr. Phil leisure time video here. (I’m the one doing laundry. It’s still not done.).
On Saturday, our 1-year-old and I boarded a flight to Ithaca. I used to feel nervous flying. Now I feel free. Because sometimes when you have kids your world shrinks. And flying over little towns across America reminds me how much is out there, and how contained many of my worries are. (Who cares if my neighbor doesn’t like me?) Or maybe it’s just that in an airplane, I’m thankful to be alive, because at any moment we could go into a nose dive.
I sat next to a Cornell grad student from India. While our baby slept, I asked her how she felt about the recent suicides on campus. She was shaken, she said. And then went on to talk about how much competition there was in her program. For grades. For jobs. “Is it as hard for American students to get into Cornell?” she asked, fiery eyed.
I was glad I was no longer her age, struggling to figure out my place in the world, reaching for external metrics. Because I live among people who studied hard and got the best jobs. And they still have to compete. Only you measure your success differently, rather than by your G.P.A., you consider the size of your house and what you fill it with. And now the cost is greater: rather than losing out on sleep, you lose out on time with your kids. Time with your spouse.
Here at my parents’ home in Ithaca, watching our 1-year-old play catch with Grandpa, I wonder if part of what success brings is distance. But life is about connections. I wish our kids knew Grandma and Grandpa, as I knew my grandparents.
What I wanted to say to the girl on the airplane was the point isn’t to win, because really, nobody cares you place first but you. The point is to study hard to give yourself options, to find balance in your life. To enjoy your life and find where you’re relevant. And that’s something a G.P.A. can’t do. Only you can.
What would you have said to her?
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I agree with you about success forcing distance upon the relationship between you and your family. In many cases, this is not just the proximate distance of living 2000 miles away, since the opportunities for someone that exist in a larger city probably aren’t available in a smaller place like Ithaca, even with the concept of the “virtual office” but, more importantly, the distance that exists between the rest of your family and yourself because of the success that you may have had. In one way, you try to be the good son or daughter, but at the same time, having opportunities and experiences that your siblings or parents will probably not see in their lifetimes can make it difficult to relate to their issues.
well said family and having fun count for more than worldly goals, your a sweet mummy
I love the video! It makes believe more and more that the hardest job in the world is being a good mommy!
A couple of months ago I received a call from a recruiter from a prestigious consulting firm asking me what my SAT scores and GPA was from undergraduate. I couldn’t believe that after close to ten years of professional experience that I was still being measured by figures that, in my view, no longer represent my qualifications. I think I would have told her to do her best in trying to reach her goals, but not to lose sight of what is important to her. She may never know, the things she frets about today may very well likely mean nothing to her in the long run.
My husband grew up in Ithaca! I think we talked about this, you might know his cousin’s – the Banfield’s?? We haven’t been there in a year or so for a visit. Next time you are there I will go to my parent’s house in Cooperstown and we can get the kiddos together somewhere in upstate NY!
As for the plane ride, I remember those days SOO well. I agree – tell her to chill with competing with your classmates, learn how to work to get what YOU want (not what everyone else wants), practice skills like communication, public speaking, presentations and problem solving – if you are already studying at Cornell we know you have the chops to handle academia, take the time to put the life skills in your tool box, too.
This is a tough one. Having taught at an all boys’ high school for several years, I struggled often with how best to counsel some of my over-anxious, over-competitive students. It’s just so hard for any of us to see life outside our own realm of experience.