How do you try to fit in?
Today our children refused to nap, and I was so tired I took it as some sort of mutiny against me. Not that they cared. So I filled my thermos with coffee, packed everybody in the car, and drove to induce naps.
While they dozed, I turned off into an exclusive neighborhood I was curious to explore. I’d heard about it from friends, but never actually been in it. The homes there intimidate. They stretch over the lawn and rise up above you, so I stopped and gawked. A car came up behind me, and for a moment, I felt foolish, as if the driver knew, just as I did, that I didn’t belong in one of these homes.
Homes that require you to shower. Or that he not wear his Batman shirt every single day.
When I first stayed home, I struggled to define who I was by fitting in because I had lost sight of myself. And I missed knowing who I was. My parents were the sort of people who cared more about what you save than what you show. Yet in today’s culture, sometimes I feel what you spend establishes your position in society. It’s your handbags. Your shoes. Your hair. And I took my spending cues from our neighbors.
But that’s not how true friendships form. What I’ve since learned is you can’t sustain a connection through a shared image. Because it’s your rough parts that define who you are.
And there is beauty in the chaos, reminders of our humanity: unkempt moms pushing babies in strollers with toddlers ambling behind them, bicycles toppled in front lawns, a plastic pool in a driveway, a hose accidentally left on. Because that is what life looks like. Life is not still.
Do you fit in where you live?
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I do. NOW. I don’t know that our neighborhoods are as full of judgmental people as we think. I think that everyone we THOUGHT were judging us were actually thinking that THEY were being judged, too. I mean, I for one do NOT care what my neighbor’s yard looks like or what kind of car they are driving; I have my OWN life to live! So why should they care about mine?
Good points, Tracey. I actually don’t find the people in our neighborhood judgemental. What I was trying to address was how friendships form + how we approach them,
I love my neighborhood. No matter where you live, there are people who are all about the bag they carry or the car they drive. Everyone values different things and some people literally value things above all else. I hope never to be one of those people.
I have friends with huge houses and friends with tiny ones, but the size of the house has nothing to do with the size of the heart. (Smarmy, I know, but true.)
I live across from a man that WILL go out and pick up the three leaves that fell off his tree. I could “compete” before I had kids but now, forget it. Now my lawn is a constant clutter of balls, bikes, wagons, and other plastic toys that give it a well lived in look. On those days that he goes out to use tweezers on that blade of grass that is out of place, I snicker knowing that my yard must drive him nuts.
I’ve never been a person who values things over people. It shows too. My life, my home and my persona is pretty simple and understated. I could care less what labels are in my clothes. I just like the ones that make me feel comfortable, and if they’re really pretty that’s a bonus. My house is pretty plain. Not everything matches. But when I walk in to it, and when friends come over, it’s a home and they know it and love it. I like to fit in but I won’t step outside myself to do it. If someone doesn’t like me for the way I look or act, it’s their loss.
When I moved into a home about 13 years ago my elderly new neighbor and his wife came to see me. He brought me a cell phone because he knew I was pregnant and by the size of me, DUE! They were the best! He asked me if we like the place we moved from and I said yes, he said you will like it here too then. Then he relayed a story about two families that had come to this area to check it out as a place to live. The first stopped at his house and asked what the town and it people were like, he asked before answering what the town was like that they had live in before. They said it was full of wonderful people, great schools, lots of fun….it would be missed. He told them this town was exactly like that they should look for housing here! They did. Later that day another family came threw and stopped to inquire about the town. He asked them what kind of town they came from. They replied how mean and spiteful everyone there was, how bad the school was and how miserable life was for them. He told them this town was exactly like that and they would be better off if the kept going up the road to find a better place to live. They did.
The moral of the story is you get what you give! Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. Be happy wherever you are and make friends, don’t judge people for you will be judged by the same rules!
Having lived in a variety of areas and neighborhoods ranging from the rural area where I grew up to the in-town area I live in now, with quite a bit in between, I would say that were I am at now is a place I feel most at home. Being in a place that is on a relatively quiet street, yet close enough to walk to a cafe, work, or the Public Market is such a benefit, it’s tough thinking about how I lived without it. Being able to get involved in a neighborhood and a city, rather than spending my time driving in and out of my house without any connection to what’s around me feels like the right thing, especially after years of bouncing from place to place, living in suburban pods without any connection to neighbors or a community.
My neighborhood, or at least my end of it, is kinda trashy. So yeah, our yard littered with plastic kid crap fits right in. Although we don’t smoke so we’re the odd ones out there!
Sometimes I find myself longing for the greener grass on the other side of the fence…AKA…a different neighborhood…When I visit people’s homes who have large open floor plans, big windows, COAT CLOSETS and decent sized bedrooms…oh how I want that…
But my hubs and I have talked about it again and again and again…We love our neighbors (most of them) and neither of us give a rip about the lastest and the greatest anything…
We’d rather have a couple of extra family vacations than a big house we can’t afford…one where we DON’T fit in, because we are not those people.
Yeah, I’m a little embarrassed by the condition of my carpets…and my house if I’m being honest…but…I’m not embarrassed about being me…and while I don’t love where I am…I’m trying…