Does Nursing Hurt Your Marriage?
On Thursday night, Matt unexpectedly returned home from work early. All three kids were in bed. “Do you mind if I go for a jog?” I asked, because the sun hadn’t set yet.
“Sure,” he said. And while he changed out of his suit, I put on my jogging shoes and grabbed the dog’s leash.
As I jogged around Lake Harriet, I thought about how liberating weaning our daughter was. Because while I do believe breast is best, in terms of nutrition and bonding with your baby, I also feel it puts a strain on your marriage, as follows:
- It’s exclusive. All our babies refused bottles. And that left Matt frustrated. They’d either scream in his arms until they fell asleep, or until I nursed.
- Hormones magnify the difference. While nursing, the tiniest cry sets me off. And my body doesn’t shut off; even when she’s not with me, once I feel the weight of the milk inside me, the worry starts. Once I wean, a minute doesn’t feel like eternity.
- Resentment kicks in. And because Matt’s not up night after night, and his body is not producing milk, I feel he doesn’t appreciate why I crawl in bed any chance I get (which, with three children, is not often). And that makes me angry at him, because then what he sees isn’t the work I do, but what’s left undone.
What’s funny is now that I’ve weaned Matt is more responsive than I am. In part, I think, because her cry is directed towards him: she is a Daddy’s girl to her core. And that makes our parenting feel more equal.
What do you think? Did your marriage improve after you weaned? And for those of you who bottle fed, did it make you equal parents in the night?
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Glad you posted this!
To make things more equal, my husband goes to get my son when he needs to be fed at night and brings him to me to nurse in our bed. When he is done nursing, my husband brings him back to his crib. This has worked so fabulously for our family because it means while I am the one awake for 20-30 minutes a couple times a night, I don’t ever have to get out of bed (and vice-versa for him).
I do think you have to be more intentional about your marriage and equal parenting when breastfeeding, as you do at any season of life that involves a change from before. For some women who so desperately wanted to breastfeed but were unable to, having to bottle feed becomes a sore wound and THAT effects their demeanor more than some breastfeeding mothers’ hormones.
I will say, for us, nursing has made me a more confident mother, which makes me a better and happier wife. Knowing that I have and can literally provide what the baby needs builds me up and makes me feel fulfilled in my role as his mother. The more fulfilled I am there, the less I am looking to my husband to fill me and make me happy. It works for us!
I can relate to the resentment growing toward the husband since he never has to get up. And I do agree that I stop listening for the babes at night when I am no longer weaning (this is totally subconsciously, though, I promise). I guess i never thought about it before.
I am in the process of weaning now- my daughter is almost 23 months and I am just nursing her in the mornings. I’d like to stop that as well sometime soon- but I am so conflicted! I dont want to take away something that gives her such comfort , but I’d also like to be freed up from milk laden breasts!
I breastfed my oldest (12) for the first year. My husband felt bad that he couldn’t do much, so he would very often get up with me and just sit by me while I fed the baby. I’d try to get him to go back to bed, but he felt bad that it wasn’t fair. (What a guy!)
There’s more stories for each of our 4 boys, but with our last (3), I decided not to nurse him at all. It was WONDERFUL to have my husband take turns! He loved being able to help, too.
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