Stages of Marriage: Which stage are you in?
On Sunday night, for the first time in a long time, I believed Matt and I would be married forever as strongly as I did on our wedding day. And it wasn’t after downing a bottle of wine. It was while folding laundry.
The honeymoon phase
Because he walked into the laundry room and didn’t care I hadn’t folded laundry in a week. Or that his shirts smelled moldy because I’d forgotten to wipe down our washing machine rim. He walked into the room to be with me.
Why, yes. I did wear a baby on my front to the Orchestra. But at least my clothes were clean.
And I didn’t care he’d kept our 3-year-old up until 10 o’clock the night before, because all I wanted was to be near him.
*Photos courtesy of Crescendo Project
Year seven, I think, is a hard year. It’s when you realize your spouse isn’t going to change, and you are stuck. And when you feel stuck, how can you breathe?
Apparently there are seven stages in a marriage, and it’s in this phase, known as rebellion, where divorce rates are the highest. Because truth be told we all marry the wrong person.
But on Sunday, the air cleared. The ground beneath us stabilized. We realized we hadn’t failed each other or ourselves. We had both, in fact, married an amazing person.
“You grow a soul mate, you don’t find a soul mate,” marriage expert Dr. Scott Haltzman said. (Or, as a friend of mine says, “They don’t come that way out of the box. There’s some training involved.”)
Matt’s mom always says forget a lifetime, just make it to year ten, and I don’t think it’s because of the Social Security benefits. As Matt and I close in on our eighth anniversary, we’ve entered the phase known as cooperation. But I think it’d be more aptly named acceptance.
And while I know we’ll still argue and butt heads, we’ve got shock absorbers now.
Which year of marriage was the hardest for you?
Thanks for visiting! Please leave a comment by clicking the number to your left.
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
I’m almost in tears reading this because this is where Mike and I are as well. We’ll be married 8 years in August and it’s that way for us too. The last year has been a hard one, lots of outside forces that we can’t control, but for me it’s been that realization that this is it, this is my life with the man I made a vow to and it isn’t going to be any different. Sometimes I am really angry about that, then I remember how much I love about him or he does something that makes me bust out my donkey bray laugh and the sky clears again so I can clearly see how blessed I am. Those clouds of rebellion can blur a lot of the good that is there. Thank you so much for making this more clear to me. It’s been a struggle, for certain.
Years 4 (second baby/responsibility kicking in) and 11(grieving the loss of something close to our hearts brought out the stuff in our marriage that needed to be addressed) were bumps in the road for us. But, entering into year 17, I think it will just keep getting better. At this stage, I wouldn’t want to do life without him, because I would not feel like a whole person. We can almost read each others thoughts…we complete each others sentences. Life is hectic, but we make a point of connecting through the day.
Nothing like “realizing you’ve married an amazing person”…I couldn’t agree more!
~kristin
I’m in year ten. I’m liking this year so far!
We hit a rough patch a while ago. It may have been year 7, or 6. I can’t remember exactly when it was. But we’ll be at 8 years in August and I’d say we’re (mostly) in the cooperation/acceptance stage too.
This year (16) is probably the hardest. Moving to a new state and town that I hate, leaving a place I loved, living with a stressed out PHD student husband, having a hard time finding a social network, buying a house that seems to be a money pit, stressing about living mostly on savings for 4 years……… but we’re all in it together. How does it go? “That which does not kill us makes us stronger”
Pingback: Tweets that mention Stages of Marriage: Which stage are you in? « Unplanned Cooking -- Topsy.com
My husband and I have been married almost seven years – this August – and I have to say stuck is a good way to put it. I think we both feel that way sometimes lately. Well, a lot lately I guess. And it has been kind of hard. Are you telling me this is just the preview of what the next year is going to be? Oh man!! I sure hope we move out of this stage sooner than that. :0 Thanks for writing this though. It makes me feel better. A little less like what I am feeling and thinking are real problems and more that they are just stages we are going through. That is what I have been hoping.
A lot of your posts are a bit foreign to me as I have no children, nor do I ever intend to. But this one hit home, probably because there are some current circumstances in our lives that are extremely stressful and just the other night we got into our version of a knock down, drag out fight. Our 7th anniversary was at the end of March. I was questioning (to myself, since a fight of that magnitude in our house means we don’t speak to one another) if we were going to make it through this patch or not. Or if we do, will we be ok once we reach the other side. It’s nice to know this is not uncommon.
We are in year 5, but this is the second marriage for both of us. I think you enter into a good second marriage at the cooperation and acceptance stage, especially when the first marriages (and divorces) were such a hard struggle. I am soooooooooooooo grateful every day to have such a wonderful partner and friend in my beautiful husband!
I’m in year 9, respectively. What year is the year of rebellion? I think my husband and I must have hit it at different times because his “rebellion” was close to 3 years ago. Mine? Right now.
I just cried over and over again reading your post, because.. at times.. I feel a lot like you do. The first line that read. .. “for the first time in a long time, I believed Matt and I would be married forever as strongly as I did on our wedding day.” That line.. first time in a LONG time. Sometimes, I daydream about how I’d carry it out. How I’d leave. And how he’d HAVE to understand after all he’s put me through.
But other days, I feel like you. He does things and I think……… “He really loves me. This precious man of mine loves me to pieces!” No. He’s not perfect, but neither am I. No he doesn’t shower as often as I think a human being should, or pick up his dirty clothes, or help me with the dishes, but he works hard for this family and is doing everything his sweet little hearts thinks to do to please me.
I’m so glad I found your post because I’m actually almost done with a post about my husband for his birthday tomorrow and I’ve GOT to tie yours in with it.
I think kids change everything…at least it did for us. We were married for a blissful (truly!) 10 yrs before we decided to have kids. The last 4 years have been some of the hardest for our marriage, but also some of the most rewarding. I also started a business during this time, which complicated things! But, we are coming out on the other side nicely. December will be our 15th anniversary, and I don’t know what I would do without him.
What a thought provoking post…and thank you for being so candid and so honest…
I find myself extremely lucky that as we approach our 6th wedding anniversary (we’ve been together 10 years) we don’t seem to have the same struggles as most couples do.
Now…that’s not to say we don’t have struggles…
we’ve got a couple of MAJOR issues…
like…I want more children…he does not….How will I EVER get over this???
But…I do love him…and marriage is about compromise….so I’m trying so very hard to ‘accept’ without what I call, ‘settling’…
ah….this game of life….
This is year 8 and somehow, I think Year 7 was a bit tough for both of us. I was struggling with the burdens of being the ‘working one’, being incredibly unhappy at work and feeling less than a mother and wife at home. I internalised things a lot, rarely speaking out but then exploding on occassion. Loads said, heads butted
and I think we’ve worked out a lot.
Hopefully, next year we’ll win the lottery and the issue that money stirs up will be gone
, till then I’m determined it will work out. No one understands me like he does, helps, guides and encourages me like he does…..so, I think we’re in it for the long term.
In our first year of marriage, he went through the ‘I could walk out now’ phase, which woke me up early. After that, I think we have dispensed with that and know we both have a choice, and choose to be with each other.
Miss J….you strike deep chords in my heart. Thank you for giving me room to let go!
That was cool. I’d have to say year 18 — 17, about the time we hit midlife crisis mode full tilt. But we allowed each other to change, rearrange and come back together stronger than ever. I agree with the soulmate quote. Will remember that. Great post.
This is such a beautiful post!
I never heard of the 7 years stage but I’ve heard a lot about 5 years one and that’s where I am actually. Separated for 2 months now and we’ll be married for 5 years this September. We are slowly working on a reconciliation but it’s been a painfully slow process, too slow to my liking but I’m trying be patience. Thank you for sharing this…it gives me hope in my own marriage.
Pingback: Are you heading for a crash? « Unplanned Cooking
Pingback: Unplanned Cooking » A Command Center: What improves your marriage?